A is for Appreciate

I have decided to take Calensariel from Impromptu Promptings’ challenge.  I am still a bit fuzzy on this as to a theme, but please feel free to direct me if I am not quite on target.

Recently while walking our dog, just minding my own business or rather, her business :), I heard this POP in my right knee.  Immediately I was unable to take the next step due to the searing pain from my ankle to my hip.  Fortunately for us (Precious and me), two neighbors who hang out in their garages every afternoon drinking beer and shooting the breeze saw me writhing in pain and came to my aid.  Rich backed up his truck picked me up (at that point I really didn’t care how foolish I looked!) and deposited me into the back of his pick-up, drove me home and carried me into the house, plopping me down on the sofa.  After getting me an ice pack, he left me to call my husband who was still at the office.  As soon as I told him what had happened, I hung up and waited for him to get home; then, I lost it..broke down and cried, cried like a baby, asking God what was going on.  You see, just that morning I had a revelation of sorts about the fears that had seemingly overtaken me the past few months.  I felt like I had made some headway and had given those fears completely over to God who had been so faithful in our lives for almost 40 years. Once again I was undone…”Lord, why did this have to happen now?  I mean, what about those things I felt you say to me thing morning?”  Gone was the assurance that He would help us.  Gone was the trust I felt and now once again was that ugly four letter word… FEAR!  All I could think about at that moment was the medical costs mounting up.  Suddenly Texas seemed ever further away, https://bcostello2016.wordpress.com/2016/03/18/turn-turn-turn/Turn, turn, turn…   I was also wondering where all of my vim and vigor had gone!  Would I ever be able to run and play with our beloved Lincoln again like I longed to do?

As things progressed over the next couple of weeks, with a trip to the ER, xrays, an orthopedic consult, a MRI, an EKG, surgery for the torn meniscus and arthritis and all that accompanies that type of injury, plus weeks of physical therapy and mounting medical bills, I am appreciative.  I appreciate the fact that I live in a country where we have great medical care. I appreciate having a wonderful husband who is most helpful and never complains. I appreciate having two wonderful kids who have called to check up on their momma.  I appreciate having a wonderful church family who have prayed for me, who cooked and delivered some wonderful meals to us and for other friends who have called, texted or just dropped by with flowers and a word of encouragement.  I appreciate the fact that now I am able to write “thank you” notes to all of those wonderful people. I mean, it could have been my right arm instead of my right leg, right?!  And I appreciate the peace the Lord God has given to me in the midst of this trial.  I know He will help us.   I know He will make a way for us to take care of the medical bills. I know the surgery and subsequent therapy will enable me to be active once again.  In the big scheme of things, this is nothing! When I think of those precious souls who are battling cancer or other debilitating  diseases, it makes me stop and count my many blessings.  YES, I am most APPRECIATIVE!

And thanks Calen from Impromptu Promptings for checking on me too!  Thank you too for sharing with us fellow bloggers the a-to-zchallenge. 

Remember fellow bloggers, if I am not approaching this challenge correctly, please let me know!  I DO realize blogging gives one certain liberties that other writings do not allow.  I am very open to correction/direction and APPRECIATE any input you might have.  Thanks so much!

Oh, one more bit of appreciation…our little Precious! She will be lost when I return to the office. Every morning when I get showered and dressed she looks at me with those searching eyes asking, “Is this the day I will be all alone again?”  She has been such a comfort to me!  I love our furry little friend that we rescued almost 4 years ago!

 

 

Turn, turn, turn…

One of the things I love about the Midwest is its four distinct seasons of the year. And it seems that as one season ends I am ready for the next to begin.  As my husband and I begin a new season in our lives, we are seriously considering making a move south to be near our only grandchild.  He just turned 3 and quite frankly, seeing him 4 times a year is just not cutting it!  We want to be near him, watch him grow and discover his likes and dislikes, his gifts, talents and abilities.  We want to go to Grandparent’s Day with him, attend his soccer games and act like fools, cheering him on to victory or consoling him when defeat comes his way.  We want to watch him discover life and be an integral part of his life.  We also want to be available for our daughter and son-in-law through the busy years ahead. We want to be available for them when their busy schedules or unexpected meetings come up, that might delay or interfere with them picking him up from school. We want to be there to help as our daughter’s husband frequently travels. As a working mom, she too could often use an extra pair of hands and would appreciate the additional help.  As a young mom I remember well what it was like living so far away from family.  We want to be there to encourage, cheer and participate in their lives.

But here’s the catch…do you know how hot it is Texas? South Texas?  They  have about 8-9 months of summer!   As I stated, I love the 4 distinct seasons.  I love how one, slowly yields to the next.  Autumn is by far my favorite when life is starting to slow down and prepare for a long winter’s rest. I love the cool days when I am able to walk through the freshly fallen multi-colored leaves, hear the geese honking overhead as they make their way towards a warmer climate.  I love winter, waking up in the anticipation of a fresh blanket of snow covering the ground. I love watching the cute little black-eyed juncos hopping around our deck in search of  the seeds we throw out for them.  I love the spring time, watching for the first blades of grass peeking through the hard, brown earth, the happy jonquils dancing in the breeze, and the birds…oh my!  I love listening to the wide array of birds and other wild life outside our sliding glass doors that lead to our deck.  I sort of even like summer, well certain aspects, like barbeque, corn on the cob and watermelon…but I hate the heat.  South Texas, near the coast, is hot, humid and just plain nasty at times.  They have hurricanes.  Okay, so we, in the Midwest have tornadoes and horrendous storms, but hurricanes cause flooding.  Okay, so does melting snows and torrential rainstorms. They too, cause flooding, severe flooding.  Yet, there is this cute little blonde, curly haired little 3 year old boy who keeps beckoning us there.  Oh, he doesn’t ask us with words, but he does beckon us in a dozen little ways with his twinkling big brown eyes, winning smile and the way he says, “Hi Nana, I love you!”  So, I guess we will grin and bear it, the heat, that is. 🙂 Oh the things we do for those three little words!

So, back to turn, turn, turn…in just a little while our lives will be turned upside down as retirement is rapidly approaching and with it comes choices, fears, uncertainties, challenges AND opportunities. I am working very hard on having a positive and sunny attitude. You know, looking ahead at what new discoveries are just over the horizon.  I have come to sort of like where I am, at least it is familiar, secure, safe.  It is comforting to know you will be able to make your house payment, go out to eat on occassion, even fly to Texas to see one certain little boy and his parents, or to visit our son and his partner on the East Coast.  Okay, enough! I told you from the beginning, I would at times be painfully honest. Well, this is one of those times.  You should see my journals!  I have been writing page after page each day, pouring out my fears but also my hope in the One who has NEVER let us down, who has NEVER forsaken us, and who promised that we will NEVER have to beg for bread as His descendants (Psalm 37:25)!  I have GOT to concentrate on WHO HE IS!  And then, maybe, just maybe, He will make a way for us to get down to where the sun is often relentless and the summers endless, but where this cute and precious little boy lives with his mommy and daddy, where a big part of our hearts are already located!  If the saying, “HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS” is true, then I shall be VERY happy! Very happy indeed!!

We are all broken

As I was reading Impromptu Promptings’ blog a couple of weeks ago,  Brokenness,  I thought about my own journey as a Christian. I have been a follower of Jesus Christ for almost 40 years and have been in full-time ministry for most of those years.  And in all of my growth, with all of my knowledge of God’s Word and ways, I am still horrified at times by the ugly things within my heart and that sometimes make their way out of my mouth!  I had so hoped to be further along in my faith journey by now.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love the Lord and I love people who have been created in His image and likeness, but some days I do not feel very holy and some days, I don’t act like it either!  Can you relate??

I have read some writings, by well-known Christian men and women of faith who often battled just like me and perhaps, just like you too.  Usually in their latter years they shared their personal struggles of depression, doubt and even addictions.  I just wish they would not have waited so long.  I believe other strugglers would have been strengthened and encouraged to know they were not alone.  As a pastor’s wife, I have tried to be transparent, to let others know I do NOT have it all together like so many often assume, yet, I think had I known that struggling is part of the journey, I  might have been willing to be even more transparent.

Why aren’t we more transparent?  Could it be we are afraid people will mistaken our transparency for weakness or that we are being too introspective, too hard on ourselves?  What do you think?  Is it pride that holds us back?  As a pastor’s wife, I think it has been feeling the need to have it all together for others.  How often I have wanted to go forward for prayer, but also felt the need to be there for another, feeling like I was being selfish to take someone’s time. That must sound silly, but it is true. I just wish I had taken more opportunities. I know that we all have needs, we all have broken areas in our lives that need to be mended. It reminds me of a quote I saw some time ago:

“Be kind to everyone, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing of.”

It is hard to say for sure who actually wrote it, I have seen and heard it attributed to many sources, from Plato to Rev. John Watson to Ian MacLaren.

from quoteinvestigator.com>2010/06/29

That quote is so true!  It brings back a memory of a women’s retreat I attended about 19 years ago in Texas.  We were given a stack of magazines, a piece of poster board, glue and scissors. We were to cut out pictures and quotes from magazines, telling our stories using only those images and phrases.   There must have been about 50 women there, all from our home church which we had attended and been an integral part of for 11 years. Some women I thought I knew, boy was I all wrong!  Many of these women appeared so put together, with lovely families and quite successful. Some were wives of heads of companies, others were successful apart from their spouses, others were stay at home moms. Women of all shapes, size, ethnicity and age.  I heard some of the most heart wrenching stories I had ever heard.  Women who had endured spousal and childhood abuse, women whose children were in prison and who had endured great hardships and tragedy.  One woman had been chained as a child and had been horribly mistreated by those who were supposed to love and care for her. Others told of betrayal, heartbreak of every kind. It really drove home the above quote about being kind to everyone, for we all face battles that others may never know about.  It also reminded me that everyone is broken in one way or another.  Some of us are just better at hiding that brokenness.

What about you? What are you hiding?? Do others really know who you are or do they see who you want them to see?

And beyond that, let us work at being kind to everyone we meet, remembering we don’t know the battle they are currently in, or for that matter, their brokenness from a previous battle, that causes them to react certain ways. We are all on a journey.  We are all on this journey called life and aging; some are just further along than others.  Let us remember that in this journey that we are on to keep the finish line in sight. For me that means I have to keep my eyes firmly upon the ONE who is there at the finish line, cheering me on to finish well, to finish with kindness, giving hope and encouragement to other strugglers along the way.

 

 

 

The Stuff We Carry

I have been been MIA for a couple of weeks now, in a funk of sorts.  I have been struggling a lot with this aging thing.  It is not just the aging itself, but rather all that seems to accompany it.  Of course, many people have chosen careers that provided well for them, but well, the missionary and pastoring life do not happen to fall into that category.  I am not regretting this career, because I feel it is more of a calling than a career.  It was not something we felt we chose in ourselves, but one that was chosen by God for us to follow.  Now we KNOW we had a say in this.  He is not some Puppet Meister in the sky who makes us do His bidding.  No, we could have chosen to go another path but we wanted to follow His path; we were compelled to follow it. There are no regrets or well, a lot of regrets, but we do wish we had been more pro-active when it came to retirement.  Who knew 65 and 67 would get here so quickly?!  It’s not just the finances either, it’s the health issues, and at this point what seems to be a myriad of things!

Now, back to the post and the title of this post…when I saw the Sandbox Writing Challenge Can You See Me, I was captivated my the image. My first thought was not the title of the challenge, but the image of the little girl carrying around this tattered and torn sack. I could not help but think of all of the stuff I have carried around for years.  Oh, much of the “stuff” I have let go, unburdened myself of, but other things I seem to repeatedly pick up again and again!  They are like that torn and tattered bag hung about my shoulders that I can’t seem to put down. I want to put them down.  I want to empty them one by one…or better yet, maybe I should just let go of the bag once and for all. What is in the bag you might be asking? Oh a few things, self-doubt, questions and fears about the future, poor decisions and the consequences of those decisions, pride…oh, PRIDE, now that’s a big one!

Upon looking at that picture of the little girl for a second time, I was suddenly aware of her surroundings.  We lived in Mexico City at one time in our lives, and saw communities much like the one the little girl was in.  We saw people, many children trying to eek out an existence in those garbage dumps. As I viewed that picture from a different perspective, I was suddenly aware of how truly blessed I am.  Even if we should lose our house, have to sell many of our possessions, we still would have far more than the majority of the world’s population. Compared to the majority of the world, we live in Disneyland!  We have ample groceries, heated and air conditioned homes, I mean, hey we have a real roof over our heads! Perspective!  It is all about our perspective.  How we view things.

I do not want to live life with rose colored glasses perched on my nose.  I do not want to ignore our retirement is looming ahead or pretend our problems are not present.  We cannot live our lives with our heads buried in the sand.  But if I am so preoccupied with the future I will surely miss out on the present.  And I do not want to miss out on the present! The temptation is there. I love to read.  It is my escape.  It has been my escape since I was a little girl growing up in an alcoholic home.  It was my escape when we lived overseas and I missed my kids so very much. Every time we would come back to our lives in Central Europe, I would cry then bury myself in books that I had brought back. My husband knew to leave me alone for a couple of weeks.  It was my escape.  So you see, I am prone to escaping.  It is still a GREAT temptation for me.  I joined Book Bud about a year ago and when I am in an escape mode, I will read book after book.  I am purposing NOT to do that, at least one after another…:)

So, have I rambled on enough? I could easily ramble more but rambling can be exhausting!

Brrr…baby it’s cold outside!

I was challenged a few days ago by Facetfully’s blog on writing about something to do with the cold weather.  A picture she posted and the caption under it, “February Happy Thoughts…more”,  https://facetfully.com/2016/02/05/february-happy-thoughts-more/?c=1020#comment-1020, reminded me of this picture of our grandson, taken the day after my dad’s memorial service, 2 years ago,   January 7th, 2014.  Three weeks earlier my father had passed away after suffering with Alzheimer’s disease for 4 years.  It was a bittersweet time as we celebrated his life at the church he and my mom had attended and served in for many years. In some ways it was a huge relief to know he was now at peace, in other ways, we would miss him so very much. Even with this dreadful disease, we occasionally saw glimpses of the witty man he had been.  All of the family was there except our son and his partner, who live in  D C.  They tried so hard to make it, but simply could not get a flight out due to one mechanical failure after another. We were all terribly saddened by this, but none more so than Matt himself, the first-born of the seven grandchildren. It just didn’t seem right that he could not be here with us.

The service was a wonderful tribute to his life.  It was long with 3 of his 4 children sharing humorous and touching stories, 3 of his 7 grandchildren sharing their love for their grandpa, an emotional video produced by one of his granddaughters, and finally his pastor sharing a stirring message about dad’s life. We ended the service with our entire family moving onto the stage to sing, “You are My Sunshine.” Well, not the entire song, just the first 2 stanzas and chorus.  Have you ever really listened to the entire song?   The reason for singing that song?  My dad sang it to my mom every time we visited him during the final four years of his life. He would look at her and sing, “…the other night dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms, but then I woke up, I was mistaken…please don’t take my sunshine away…”  Many said it was one of the best funeral/memorials they had ever attended. Many did not know dad, but came because of our friendship.  They said they felt like they had met him through our stories. Oh, there were lots of stories we all shared, as he was quite a character!  We had so wanted to make it a tribute, and that it was!  Thank you, Lord!

Our daughter, her husband and grandson were able to fly up from Texas to share in the celebration.  While the day of the memorial service was unseasonably warm and beautiful for a Midwest January, toward the end of the day, winds began to blow from the north and temperatures dropped some 40 degrees within a matter of hours.  By the next morning, we had several inches of snow.  My husband, a pastor, cancelled the morning worship service and we spent a fun-filled day playing in the snow with our then 10 month old grandson.  Being from southern Texas, he had no real winter weather gear, so we improvised, using fuzzy socks for mittens and woolen ski socks for boots, mufflers, and sock caps  for extra protection.  Now that we had him securely bundled up, what were we going to use for a sled?  We had sold our sleds a couple of decades earlier when we moved from Kansas to Texas.  Hmmm…Suddenly, remembered a lady from church had given us a Christmas gift that just might work.  A huge roasting pan, fit for a 25 lb/ turkey!  It was the only thing we had that remotely resembled a toboggan!   We stuck our precious little package in the pan and sent him sailing down the hill in our backyard. He loved it!  We did it again and again until we adults were shivering in our boots! He may not remember it, but we will never forget the fun we had watching him with his first snowfall.  And his first sledding  experience…priceless!  Actually, I am pretty sure we had more fun than he did. 🙂

By the time the snow ended sometime that evening, we ended up with 11 inches. Flights were cancelled and they were stuck with us here in the Midwest.  Luckily they had two doting grandparents (us :)) to help entertain their little guy while they cancelled plans and called bosses to notify them of the delays. For our son-in-law who had to spend part of one day redirecting a business trip to Canada, it was a huge hassle, but to my husband and I, it was WONDERFUL!   It seemed to us like a gift from our Heavenly Father allowing us to have four more days with our sweet little grandson.  His presence seemed to fill the empty places of my grieving heart.  And it came through the hugs and wet kisses of this little ten month old boy, who had so thoroughly and completely captured my heart. On Saturday we were able to celebrate my father’s life.  Sunday through Thursday, we celebrated the LIFE, LOVE AND LAUGHTER  grandchildren can bring.  It was a wonderful way to end an emotion filled time in our lives .  It was still cold outside as we said our good-byes later that week,  but inside our hearts were warmed by our own little ray of sunshine and the hope his young life brought to us.

You are my sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You’ll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don’t take my sunshine away.

The other night, dear,
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear,
I was mistaken
And I hung my head and cried.

You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You’ll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don’t take my sunshine away.

I’ll always love you
And make you happy
If you will only say the same
But if you leave me
To love another
You’ll regret it all some day;.

You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You’ll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don’t take my sunshine away.

You told me once, dear
You really loved me
And no one else could come between
But now you’ve left me
And love another
You have shattered all my dreams;.

You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You’ll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don’t take my sunshine away.

Louisiana my Louisiana
the place where I was borne.
White fields of cotton
— green fields clover,
the best fishing
and long tall corn;.

You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You’ll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don’t take my sunshine away.
Crawfish gumbo and jambalaya
the biggest shrimp and sugar cane,
the finest oysters
and sweet strawberries
from Toledo Bend to New Orleans;.

You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You’ll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don’t take my sunshine away.

This song was originally posted at:
http://bussongs.com/songs/you-are-my-sunshine.php

Stepping out into the Unknown

As a pastor’s wife I have heard my share of messages about getting out of our comfort zones, getting out of the boat, venturing into unchartered  territory, taking risks for God and the like.  I have even been a risk taker, following God’s call upon our (my husband and my) lives, moving to other cities, other states and even other countries; leaving our families and friends, familiar surroundings and learning other languages.

Why is this thing called aging different?? Are you ready?  Really it’s a  no brainer…because it is a path I have not traveled before.  I am not as young as I use to be, I am not as carefree as I once was, and quite frankly I do not have the energy I once had!  What do I have that I had thirty-eight years ago?  A living, abiding faith in the One who is doing the leading.  That is the only constant I have in my life, with the exception of my husband. And while he is very healthy, I know that is not guaranteed.  Last year proved that when our lives came to an abrupt halt after he ruptured his Achilles tendon.  I became his personal nurse and chauffeur for weeks.  I am not complaining, in the grand scheme of things, it was nothing, a hiccup in our otherwise busy lives. He is still recovering but he IS walking on his own!  Thank You, Lord!

We have been walking by faith for nearly 40 years, right?  Why is this so scary?  I mean, I was afraid when my successful business owner husband came to me one day and told me that God was leading him to sell our business and go into ministry.  I was afraid when he told me God was leading us to become missionaries, to learn another language.  I was afraid when we left that country to move back to the States to work at our headquarters.  And 11 years later, I was afraid when we felt God nudging us to move to Central Europe to work among those who had lived under communism, learning yet another language. And I was afraid when we felt our time there was over and He (God) opened the door  for us to pastor a church near both of our aging parents.  I remember asking a pastor friend, “what makes you so sure we can do this?”  He simply smiled and said, “maybe you can’t but God can.”  Well, here we are, almost 12 years later and we, by and through His amazing grace, are looking at another change and guess what??  I am afraid again!  And like so many sermons I have heard, we step out again into the unknown scared.  We do it afraid, knowing God will faithfully lead us each step of the way, scared and all.

By the way, I am not a wilting flower who always says, “Yes honey, whatever you think.” I am a fairly strong-willed, opinionated woman and I have always believed when God called us, He called both of us.  Each time we felt God nudge us, lead us, it was confirmed and agreed upon by both of us.  But even in that, even when we felt it was God doing the leading, we did it scared.   And so, we take this next step scared, terrified even, but confident in Who is doing the leading!